There is nothing as exciting, motivating and thrilling as when your relationship is running in top-gear. When things are going well – when you share a vision, a loving connection, and mutual intimacy, the world blurs and your love becomes the center of your universe. Possibilities move from remote to endless and your future is as bright as the sun.
And yet, following every hilltop is it’s valley, full of challenges, obstacles and pitfalls. Communication isn’t working, love dwindles and intimacy becomes stale (if non-existent).
The sign of a successful relationship then, is spending more time on the top of the mountain, and less time wallowing in the basin. But how do we pull ourselves and our partner out from below? How do we bounce back to goodwill, passion and love when we ourselves are not feeling it? And even if we succeed, we all know that “it takes two to tango” – if our partners are not along for the ride, will our efforts actually amount to anything real?
We cannot know unless we try. And since the only behavior you can control is your own, there is no better place to start than with yourself. So how do we take our relationship to the next level?
Step One: Identify What Is Not Working
There is a reason you both are stuck. Perhaps something is off in the way you envision your relationship. Perhaps you have needs that are not being met. Perhaps your partner upset you, or disrespected you, or treats you in a way you find unacceptable. There are thousands of reasons relationships experience hardship – what are your top three most pressing issues?
Write these reasons down. For example:
“I feel disrespected.”
“He isn’t affectionate – intimacy is boring.”
“We don’t spend time together.”
For the time being, ignore the other 1000 issues you can conjure up, and instead, just focus on these three.
Step Two: Examine your own behavior
If you are at odds over the above, than for sure your partner bears some blame. But that doesn’t mean that you carry no responsibility here. Ask yourself – how am I contributing to this stalemate? Can I identify anything in this situation that would lead back to the way I show up in the relationship? Is there nothing I can do better next time around? Am I willing to apologize for that piece?
Owning a small piece and apologizing for it doesn’t mean you are the ultimate perpetrator. It just means that you are willing to accept some responsibility for contributing to the issue. And it goes a long way in creating peace.
Step Three: Learning from Relationship Challenges
Many times we find ourselves in the middle of the same negative pattern, or even in the exact same argument, repeatedly. The question we need to ask ourselves is “why am I here?” – and more importantly, “what can I do differently next time, to ensure I’m never here again?”
What can I do, if anything, to move beyond these issues? What character traits can I develop that will strengthen my ability to avoid these conflicts in the future? Patience? Anger management? Mindfulness? Do I need to establish stronger boundaries to ensure we don’t find ourselves in this same predicament? An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
At the other end of the spectrum, what can I add that will minimize these relationship issues in the future? If I’m feeling disrespected, perhaps that’s because there is a lack of respect in our relationship, in general. How can I be more respectful of my partner? If I feel a lack of affection – how can I show-up with more affection? Or communicate my needs lovingly? And if you two don’t spend enough time together, is there a way you can help increase that (in a positive, loving way) from your end?
Ultimately, every relationship runs on love, gratitude, respect and kindness. If we can increase our quotient, daily, of those ingredients, we are guaranteed to have a better relationship.
Bonus Step: Do I really need to get emotionally-worked up about this?
Sometimes, we know we have been slighted or wronged, yet we can make the conscious choice to overlook it. This helps, more often than not. Ask yourself: In the context of my entire relationship, to what extent is this really a big deal? Is this a foundational issue that is worth threatening my relationship over? Is it worth all the negativity and bad feelings I am experiencing? If I let this go completely, and just moved-on, what is the worst that could happen? A deeper dive into this step can be found here: Where do you Draw the Line
It would be wonderful if, whenever something wasn’t working well, you could just wave a magic wand and your partner would instantly change! But that’s not the way it works. We are together with our soulmates to learn and shed the barriers that separate us, thereby forging a higher spiritual connection.
You can do this, and it’s worth it. If you need help, don’t hesitate to setup a Free Clarity-Call where we chat and discuss working together.
~Dovid Feldman
February 13, 2020 @ 10:09 am
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February 19, 2020 @ 9:06 pm
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April 1, 2020 @ 6:27 pm
My relationship really is broken. Love these tips!
April 8, 2020 @ 8:33 am
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May 4, 2020 @ 10:57 am
Thank you for this! Keep up the great work.
I find your words very inspiring.
May 5, 2020 @ 5:03 am
Thank you for your wise words!
May 7, 2020 @ 12:21 pm
Wow, this piece of writing is nice, my sister is analyzing such things, thus I
am going to tell her. The three steps are really clear and well organized! Thank you!
May 7, 2020 @ 11:26 pm
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May 9, 2020 @ 10:40 pm
Everything is very open with a really clear description of the challenges. It was really informative. Your site is very helpful. Thank you for sharing!
May 9, 2020 @ 10:56 pm
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May 29, 2020 @ 8:29 am
These three steps are really, really helpful! Thank you!
June 3, 2020 @ 10:27 pm
Your relationship advice is very thought-provoking.
Almost makes me want to give it another chance 🙂
June 26, 2020 @ 10:00 am
I’m not sure about this. Once the respect is gone, it’s over, imo. 🙁
August 6, 2020 @ 1:46 am
I simply want to mention I liked your blog site, with great relationship advice! Thank you!
September 3, 2020 @ 12:05 am
Not fair to always require the victim to step up their game. How about the oppressor doing something once in a while?
September 9, 2020 @ 8:06 am
Totally agree, Terrence, but if you are the only one seeking change, what can we do? Somebody has to shift!
Gd bless, and good luck.
September 3, 2020 @ 8:20 am
When we commit, 100%, we reap the rewards. Thanks for this message on Twitter
September 3, 2020 @ 9:43 pm
Good take, but I don’t think I believe in marriage anymore 🙁
September 4, 2020 @ 9:27 pm
Great work! This is the type of relationship advice that should be shared around the web!
September 8, 2020 @ 12:43 pm
Not sure I agree with kindness – never got me anywhere, tbh.
September 8, 2020 @ 11:12 pm
Thank you, I have recently been searching for relationship help for a while and yours is the best I’ve discovered so far.
September 8, 2020 @ 11:18 pm
I’ve done so many things. I’m hoping that if I add this advice, it will help.
September 9, 2020 @ 1:13 am
These 3 steps SAVED my marriage. Love how you focus on the positive!
September 16, 2020 @ 8:01 pm
My spouse and I stumbled over here by a different page and thought I might as well check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you. Look forward to looking into your web page yet again.
September 19, 2020 @ 12:17 am
We all need to self-reflect, especially in marriage.
If we want it to last!
Absolutely well-written content, thanks for the information.
October 17, 2020 @ 11:36 pm
Definitely believe that which you said, but have such a hard time being nice to him when I’m angry! Thank you for helping.
October 17, 2020 @ 11:51 pm
I have not checked in here for some time, but the last few posts are great quality so I guess I’ll add you back to my daily bloglist. You deserve it Dovid 🙂 Keep up the great work!
October 18, 2020 @ 12:10 am
Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!