One of the things I love most about being a marriage therapist is the variety of issues and topics that come up. It is amazing how many different ways we can be unhappy in our relationships. From infidelity to gambling, from disrespect to just a general sense of boredom – so many things can topple an otherwise healthy and happy love.
Recently, however, I’ve noticed a trend – something deeper, that I’d like to discuss.Something which I believe is foundational, and supersedes so many of the issues that are presented in session.
For many of us, entering into a relationship has a purpose. Perhaps our purpose is to build a family. Perhaps our purpose is to not feel alone. Perhaps our purpose is to give to another. But at the same time, there is a fundamental ingredient which binds our purpose to our heart. And that is the feeling – and the knowledge – that we are loved.
While we all can talk about love, and most of us know it when we feel it, what does that really mean?
It is my belief – through personal experience, research, and as a professional, that feeling loved is based on the following pillars:
- The feeling of connection
- The feeling of being cared for – prioritized, respected & honored.
- The feeling of being desired intimately.
- The feeling of being deeply accepted and appreciated for who we are.
And it is this last point – the feeling of being deeply appreciated and accepted which is at the core of our feeling loved. For it is through this feeling that we build trust. I trust you that you know me, accept me, and appreciate me. I trust that you have my back, that you won’t reject me, and that I can show you who I really am. I trust that I can make mistakes around you, won’t be judged for my imperfections, and won’t scare you off when I’m not at my best.
But conveying such a message – such a feeling is hard. Sometimes, really hard. Why is that?
It is hard because at the same time we are supposed to be giving her the message that she is wonderful, amazing and perfect – just the way she is – at that same moment, we have issues in the way she is showing up. She isn’t taking care of us the way we want. She isn’t pulling her weight in the relationship. She isn’t living up to our expectations.
These thoughts – and sometimes they are very real and very legitimate – interfere with our ability to convey what’s in our hearts – that we love her deeply, and on some level, we accept her exactly for whom she is – foibles and all.
So what are we to do? How do we find balance?
How do I convey that I love her unconditionally, but at the same time, have expectations, needs and issues that are of concern?
As men, we are natural fixers. We love to tinker with trucks, take apart watches and break things to figure out how they work. I’ll never forget the look of horror on my mother’s face when she came home to me, sitting around our living room, with her $700 camera in pieces all over the floor. Even though I kept telling her that I was just trying to figure out how camera shutters work – how they open and close so quickly – it didn’t calm her down. Go figure.
But when we take this same approach to our relationships, when we try and fix things – even with the best of intentions, it doesn’t work. Yes, it’s true – we are just trying to make things better for both of us. And yes, we include all the ways we too can and need to improve. Nonetheless, your wife didn’t marry the fix-it-man. When she needs a picture hung on the wall or a faucet tightened, she can go to angie’s list and find someone fully capable. But that’s not why she fell in love with you. That’s not why she is extending her trust to you. That’s not why she is depositing her soul – her heart in your hands. What she wants from you, more than anything, is for your to accept her – love her – right now, for who she is. And as men, this message cannot be drummed into her enough. There is nothing you can do that will ever satisfy this thirst she has for acceptance – for seeing and loving her for exactly who she is.
And to those who are protesting, and feeling as though I’ve given the green light to entitled, nasty behavior – my response is that saying I love you anyways while requesting / demanding change are not mutually exclusive. I can say “I love you. I’m here. You are worth my time and devotion. And we need to work through this issue or our relationship will suffer.” Deep accepting love and behavioral boundaries are not contradictions.
And loving her in this way doesn’t mean to become Cyrano de Bergerac and inundate her with flowers, poems and love songs day and night. No – that’s not acceptance. That’s over the top. But what it does mean, is that when she shows you her real side – her human side, her ugly side, you not only refrain from judgement but show up with the message that “It’s ok. This doesn’t scare me. I love you and want you as my partner, anyways. Let’s work through this, together.”
But if, instead, we try and fix her – we use a critical, judgmental eye, or are continuously trying to tune-up the relationship – the message we give her is clear: “You’re not good enough. I’m deeply dissatisfied with you, as you are.” And while this may work a few times, or even for a few years, it will erode her belief – her trust in you. Eventually, she will develop a resentment, an insecurity, a feeling that deep down, you don’t want her, love her, accept her. That she can never make you happy. And that becomes irreparable – in spite of your good intentions just to fix things and make things better. Her love dries up, she becomes cold, and wants out.
And that, my friends, is how you lose your wife.
~Dovid Feldman

January 10, 2020 @ 1:58 pm
Wow. That is all I can say. You nailed this one. Thank you, Dovid.
January 12, 2020 @ 8:33 am
Thank you Catbee! I appreciate the feedback.
January 13, 2020 @ 12:38 pm
Can you expand on having or creating the boundary but still giving her the loving acceptance?
I am in this situation right now, constantly improving myself but not getting improvement out of her. In fact it feels like she continually gets the best of me while I get her average to least best. It’s hard for me to “reward” stagnation or even regression.
January 13, 2020 @ 6:40 pm
Hi Fmr – Feeling like you are getting the raw end of the deal is really difficult – and very upsetting, for sure.
When I work with men on this, I like to challenge them a bit – and I will do the same for you.
First, when you look overall, are you sure you are getting her average? Or perhaps you are getting her average in areas that you want, but that are not as important to her. And, perhaps in other areas, she IS giving her all?
Did you read this post, by chance? Let’s talk again after you do.
https://dovidfeldman.com/giving-gone-bad/
January 13, 2020 @ 7:38 pm
Hi Dovid
Thanks for getting back to me. I read through that post twice. Balance seems like a great concept which I agree with of course.
But again I’m failing to make the connection. I can’t see the areas she is giving her all. How do I look for those?
January 13, 2020 @ 9:08 pm
To answer your question directly, it could be that they don’t exist. But let’s not give up hope yet.
Even though she may not be giving to your expectation, there is a very good chance she is giving more than you think. You must train yourself to see the way she does give. You must cultivate gratitude. Check out the Youtube vid @ 365grateful.com
Next, learn how to handle your disappointment: https://dovidfeldman.com/disappointment-in-your-relationships/
Finally, take a look at my post on your setting your bottom lines: https://dovidfeldman.com/your-bottom-line/
Let me know what you think. I have more info when you are done, but these are good beginnings.
I can tell you that I had to go through a similar process. When I completed my work, I learned to see things in my wife that I hadn’t previously, and began the fulfilling and enjoyable process of appreciating her exactly as she is. Then I started seeing beautiful things I missed before.
February 13, 2020 @ 2:28 am
This happened to me, but the other way around.
Henpecked to DEATH.
Advice?
February 19, 2020 @ 7:10 am
Do you have a book coming out? Can’t wait to read everything, cover to cover!
May 3, 2020 @ 12:57 pm
Reduce your chance of separating by stopping the criticism! Love this!
May 26, 2020 @ 9:44 pm
I can really identify with what FmrNG is asking.
I see that I am trying to fix. But what do you do when she’s not showing up how you want. Not growing.
I’ve read your replies to him. So will check that out.
But if you’re not yet married, is there a point when you’re constantly feeling like fixing when you say, “This isn’t good enough.” And look for something better. Someone better equipped and someone ready to put in the effort?